Wagu Butt

My lovely wife is about to have knee surgery. In preparation for the surgery, she was prescribed physical therapy to strengthen the muscles in her leg. Sounds like sound medical advice, I thought without understanding the consequences that her physical therapy would have for me. After her third or fourth visit, she was eager to share with me that despite her daily walks of two+ miles each morning, she had extremely weak glutes. She proceeded to demonstrate her newly prescribed glute exercise which consists of lying face-down on the floor and then slowly raising one leg off the ground without bending the knee. Even though this reminded me a little of a sleek steelhead flopping on a river bank, I could see that this was a bit of a challenge. Raising one’s leg off the floor, beginning with the hip joint, while keeping the leg straight seemed like it shouldn’t be quite so hard. Lift, relax, lift, relax, lift, etc for ten repetitions with the left leg and then lift, relax, lift, relax, etc for ten repetitions with the right leg. I’m pretty sure I didn’t chuckle or laugh at this point, but my mild amusement must have carried through the ether as she rolled over onto her back and said, “Ok. Now you try it.” Always up for a challenge, I slowly creaked my old body down to the floor and proceeded to lift my left leg. “No”, she exclaimed. “You are bending your knee. Keep your leg straight.” I tried again, concentrating on lifting my leg without any knee bending. “You’re rolling onto your right side. You must only use your glutes to raise your leg. Keep your body straight!”, she ordered. Right away I could see that my agreeing to attempt this was not a good move on my part. I struggled to lift my left leg and got it about 1/2 inch off the floor. “Good”, the drill sargeant commanded. “Now, 9 more reps and then do your right leg.” “Right”, I say. “Now that my technique is perfect, I think I will have a glass of wine and maybe practice tomorrow.” “Wimp”, she said. And so, to save face and avoid further ridicule, I completed the assigned task. The next morning, as I was walking our dog, Cyrus, my butt felt like it was permanently cramped. Every step was agony. I didn’t know how I could have butt muscles that have never been used, but apparently I have them. I thought, as I continued to walk painfully down the hill, that wagu beef is so tender, because those cattle have never really exercised. I thought, if I were to meet up with cannibals, my butt would be highly prized.