“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” Soren Kierkegaard
I love Kierkegaard. This quote could be my own personal motto. As a husband, though, there are some issues (problems) that do need to be solved. And the consequence of solving those problems leads to the aforementioned reality. For example, when do you fix the leaky faucet? Right away? After the drip…drip…drip keeps you awake all night? After your significant other calmly mentions that the water bill has doubled and there might possibly be an inexpensive fix to solving that and in so doing may save some poor salmon that isn’t swimming in sufficient water due to a certain home owner’s massive use of water? As easy as the answer to that problem sounds, I would rather buy a new house and move than fix a plumbing problem.
For goodness sake. How many different types of faucets can there be? The answer is lots and none of the “O” rings or spare faucet parts for any faucet I have owned are stocked in any hardware store within a hundred miles. I know, because it takes an average of four trips to the hardware store to fix any minor plumbing problem. First trip – I bought a small plastic package that said ‘Repair parts for Delta faucets’, (which lists 10 different Delta model numbers.) Surely my faucet is covered. But once I’m home none of the parts seem to fit. Where oh where is the model number for my faucet?
Second trip – Back to the store I went to wait in line for “Returns”. I calmly explained to the customer service attendant that the bag of spare parts I purchased didn’t fit my faucet and so I needed to return it and get the correct one. I asked for assistance. The customer service attendant cheerfully called someone and informed me to go to aisle 8 and there would be someone to assist me. I went to aisle 8. No one was there. I waited. And waited. Then returned to the customer service counter to let them know that no one was there to assist me. They explained that Mel was on a break and should return shortly and to return to aisle 8. I did. And I waited. And soon, along came Mel chewing on something and brightly asked what I needed. I told him I had a leaky faucet and needed a repair kit. He smiled knowingly and asked me for the model number. I explained I couldn’t find a model number but that it was a Delta model that looked just like the one on the display rack above his left shoulder. Mel looked. “This one?”, he asked. “Yes”, I said. “We don’t stock parts for that model”, said Mel. “I’m not surprised”, I replied. “Would you like to buy a new faucet?”, asked Mel. “Not particularly”, I responded. “I would prefer to keep the one I have and fix it.” “Ok”, said Mel. “This here’s a universal repair kit made for nearly every model. It’s a little more expensive, but there’s a chance the correct parts are in there.” I felt a headache coming on but bravely decided to give it a try. The universal repair kit was $24.99. A new faucet was $54.95. My wife would be proud of how I saved us so much money.
After disassembling the faucet, I removed the slightly disintegrated “O” ring, cleaned everything up, slipped on the new “O” ring and hooked the faucet back up. Feeling victorious and the desire for a cold beer, I turned the water shut-off valve back on and turned on the faucet. Water started shooting everywhere. I scrambled back under the sink and slammed the shut-off valve to the left to shut off the water supply, smacked my head on the edge of the counter, said a few rather unholy words and looked up to see my wife who gently asked me, if I thought it might be time to call the plumber. But here is where husbands excel. “Hell no!”, I said. I was bound and determined to fix this damn thing. No damn faucet is going to be smarter than me. I removed the upper part of the faucet once again and looked at the new “O” ring. It was mangled. I had no idea why it would be mangled and decided that there must be something else wrong with the faucet that I didn’t diagnose. I looked long and hard at the faucet and decided it was an ugly faucet anyway and a new faucet wouldn’t have all these problems and $54.95 wasn’t such a bad price for a faucet after all.
So, back to the hardware store and aisle 8. Was that a smirk I saw on Mel’s face? “Back again?”, asked Mel. “Yes”, I said. “I decided we could use a faucet upgrade. I want the best darn faucet you have.” “Good choice”, said Mel. “This one here is just $129.00 and it’s a dandy.” “Fine”, I said. Now, feeling slightly ripped off and knowing I had to face my wife after now investing $153.95 trying to fix a leaky faucet.
“Look, dear. I bought a new faucet for the sink. It’s quite an upgrade from that cheap, ugly faucet we used to have. Now we have all new parts and won’t ever have to worry about a leaky faucet again.” “How much?”, she asked. “Only $129.00. It’s the top of the line. We deserve only the best.” “You deserve something significantly less”, she said. And she said it with a bit of an attitude.
This whole day just wasn’t quite going as planned. If you have ever changed a kitchen sink faucet, you are no doubt aware that the space between the sink and the back wall is about 3 inches; not wide enough for a ham-handed handyman like myself to reach up behind the sink with a wrench to loosen the nut that holds the thin copper pipe from the water supply to the faucet. To remove the entire faucet from the sink, I needed a wrench that could reach the distance from the bottom of the sink to the nut. I had accumulated quite a few tools during our house building adventure and surely there must be a tool in the tool box that could accomplish this task. But no. I had nothing that size.
Hardware store trip number 4 was going to be quick. I headed back to aisle 8, quickly located Mel who was helping another customer, interrupted him to ask about the proper wrench and he pointed me in the right direction. I bought the wrench, hurried home, lay on my back with my shoulder blades resting on the sharp edge of the sill and tried to see the nut that I was going to remove. I needed a flashlight. I scooted back out into the kitchen, banging my head on the edge of the counter, said a few holy words, grabbed the flashlight and headed back under the sink. With the flashlight I could see a little bit better, but the tight quarters still made it awkward and difficult to see what I was doing. I twisted the nut to no avail. It was stuck. I grabbed the wrench with both hands, twisted it hard and it jumped off the nut, crashed into the soft copper pipe, mangling it in the process. This time, unholy words were said. My wife, who had carefully escorted the children to a different area of the house, asked if I was okay. Nice to know she was thinking loving thoughts about me.
I calmly, and proudly said, as if I had planned this all along, “I think it might be a good idea to call a plumber. This job is technically more challenging than it initially appeared.”
“Brilliant”, Linda says. “You might not be Bob Villa, but you know when to call in the experts.”
“Is this Bill from Bill’s Plumbing? Well, hi Bill. I have a minor plumbing problem. I need you to install a new faucet in my kitchen. Can you do this today? You can? Great! Oh, by the way, you may need to bring a little copper pipe with you. Can you give me an estimate? $250?! Seriously?! But Bill, I don’t need to buy a new faucet from you, I have the faucet. That’s just the labor? Parts are extra?” Dang, Bill, that seems like quite a lot for just changing a faucet. No, no, I would like for you to do this. Just a bit of a price shock, you know. Ok, see you soon.”
“How much”, asked my bride? “It’s a deal”, I replied. “Only $250 bucks.” “Say what?” “It’s like my car repair experiences”, I said. “The cost of towing is always greater than the sum of the parts.”
Husbandry 