Husbandry: Part 1

Hello. This is my first blog attempt. Not sure how this will all go. Your feedback will be much appreciated. My name is Richard Turnbull. I am retired with more time on my hands than I know what to do with, so I thought I should productively use what time I have left on this planet to share with you my experiences as a husband and father. There are lots of books on parenting. There are reams of boring information on the proper role of a husband, but I would like to share with you the reality of the whole dismal process of husbanding as I have experienced it. My intent is to write a little, sleep a little, and then write a little more until my entire memory and knowledge of proper husbanding has been shared with you. Since I am getting older and my memory is getting shorter, this whole process may not take much of your time. Having said all this; here is my first installment of Husbandry.

Husbandry

Husband:  Def:  married man, frugal manager

Syn:  master

Forward And Position Description For Husbands

It may strain the bounds of credulity, but I actually did some research for this narrative. There are websites on line describing how husbands should behave and I found them to be wildly amusing; especially the ones which attempted to seriously define the role of the modern husband. Most of what follows is a slightly exaggerated account of my own experience as a husband and, to some lesser extent, a father. I think most of the “rules” for being a good husband which I discovered during my research are written by women. The “rules” assume a degree of intentionality that, at least for me, was entirely missing. I think most men are like me and fumble their way through marriage, never quite understanding the rules. Most of the “rules” are unstated until they have been transgressed. Wives, on the other hand, seem to be fully aware of the ”rules” but keep them carefully hidden away.

Here’s what some websites gaily offered as to the proper role of husbands in today’s society.

• From FamilyLife.com:  “There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two signs above two different lines.  One sign said: “ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE.”  That line of men seemed to stretch off through the clouds into infinity.  The second sign read: “ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE.”  Underneath the sign stood one man.  He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, “What’s the secret, how did you do it?  That other line has millions of men and you are the only one standing in this line.”  The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, ”Why, I am not sure I know.  My wife just told me to stand here.”  Personally, while I found the story to be humorous, I don’t think it accurately portrays the sad state of affairs of husbandry.
• MattTownsend.com:  “Never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re right there.”  Ok.  This one is actually a good one.  I know I’ve been guilty of pretending to listen.  I’ve been head-smacked more than once when my wife asked my opinion after a fairly long soliloquy only to discover that I had very little recollection of what she had just shared with me.  It’s not that I didn’t care, it’s just that my attention span is sometimes a little short and my mind tends to drift.  I forget that there might be a quiz at the end of the commentary. 
• From a poster, “Husbands are the best people to share secrets with.  They’ll never tell anyone, because they aren’t even listening.”  My problem is that I heard the secret but forgot that I wasn’t supposed to share it. 
• Yourtango.com:  “A responsible, emotionally intelligent man who can control his impulses shows true maturity.  As such, he likely has the capacity to deal with the change, disappointment, stress, and conflict that life (and marriage) invariably bring.”  Now there is a ringing endorsement for marriage!  Get ready all you soon to be husbands for a life of disappointment, stress and conflict.  Brilliant!
• Also from yourtango.com:  “It’s important for a man not to neglect his woman.”  Oh, holy shit!  If I so much as insinuated that my wife was a possession, I would be standing in the wrong line at the gates of heaven.

CHAPTER ONE

Love, Sex and Marriage

This story begins as all life begins, with graphic sex.  This first part is “X” rated so if you prefer not to be exposed to such things, please close your eyes and turn to page 2.

“Hmmm.  Good morning”, I whisper as I snuggle my naked body next to her warm body.  “Hmmm”, she softly replies as she wriggles in closer to me.  I gently push my hardness in between her legs and slowly, softly we begin to emerge from the edge of sleep and wakefulness.

“Rinnnng”, goes the phone.  “Shall I get it”, she moans?  “No.  Let it be”, I mumble.  “Rinnnng”, goes the phone.  “Shit!”, she says and moves away to answer the phone.  “Hi, good morning.”  Turning towards me she says, “It’s Kathy”.  “Of course it is”, I say.  “It’s her every Saturday pre-orgasm call.”  “Shush”.  “Oh, good you’re up”, Kathy says.  “Well I was”, I say.  Kathy says, “What?”  “Nothing”, Linda says as she moves farther away from me.  “Look, he’s dying”, I say.  “Shush”, Linda replies.  “What”, Kathy asks?  “Nothing”, Linda says.  “He needs resuscitation”, I say.  “Shush, shush”, says Linda and swings her legs out of bed and stretches.  “Should I call back”, says Kathy?  Is that Rich?”  “Of course it’s Rich, who else would it be?”  “Is something going on?” “No, no. He’s just being an idiot husband. What’s up?”  “All husbands are idiots.”

And another Saturday morning interruptus.  Between sisters-in-law and mothers-in-law, it is amazing the human species has been so prolific in reproducing.  Clearly it has impacted our, (meaning Linda’s and my), contribution, although my vasectomy may have had something to do with limiting human output in my family.   I love them dearly, but parenting is not an easy thing to do.  Some people make it look easy.  But for us it was chaos, dirty dishes, piles of laundry, dog and cat hair everywhere, noise, and chaos.  I have a headache just thinking about it.  Why do people have children?  Why did we?  Beats the hell out of me. 

The problem starts with pregnancy.  “Hi babe, how are you doing?  You look great!”  “Shut up!  Look what you did to me.  I’m fat.  My skin’s so tight I feel like I’m gonna pop.  He’s kicking the crap out of me.  My back hurts.  Get me a beer.”  “You can’t have a beer.”  “I know.  This sucks.”  “I thought you wanted to have six kids?  Remember when we were engaged and we were walking along the beach and I asked you how many kids you wanted and you said ‘six’?”  “Shut up!  That’s when I was in love.”  “What?  You don’t love me?”  “Right now I can barely stand you.  Get me something to drink and a pillow and something for me to put my feet on.”  “There you go.  Now do you love me?”  “I have a mild fondness for you.”  “Ok, I’ll take it.”